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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.